The screaming phase

No one told me about this part.

For the record, all of you who didn't tell me about this part, are assholes.

I've asked quite a few people why this is, and for the most part, the replies are in 2 camps:

1. "If they told people, no one would have kids, ha ha ha"

2. "My kids are still in the screaming phase. They are XX YEARS old, ha ha ha"

Parents, please pay attention - find a different answer if/when you are asked. Hubs and I discussed this last night - we are telling everyone. So much for the fate of humanity.  At least those who make it through will still have their hearing.

As to the first camp, we have the baby. We can't return him. There's nothing about a hindsight answer like this that is funny. I might laugh in like 20 years about this, but I am in no way laughing right now. 

Answer #2 is just as unhelpful. If this goes on for years, I won't survive. I don't understand why people laugh when they communicate this. It is really just not funny. I don't know what happens to everyone's sense of humor when they have kids.

Since my crowd sourcing has yielded no helpful advice, I'm currently testing several theories:

1. Ignore!

The parenting blogs tell me that if I don't validate his action by reacting to it, he will stop doing it. 

Just an FYI, the parenting blogs clearly have not met my kid.

I swear when the powers that be were planning my kid they took my top decibel level (and I'm LOUD) multiplied it by my husband's top decibel level (he's LOUDER) and cubed that. His scream is like a velociraptor screeching in front of a microphone hooked up to rock concert speakers. Ignoring only makes it louder. Not really sure why evolution hasn't done something about this.

Also, we go out in public sometimes. If you ignore a bloody murder screaming child in public, someone else won't. I'm told that ignoring parents then end up at "Bad Parent Camp," aka jail.

Even without the threat of incarceration, that shit is embarrassing! I tried to meet my cousin out for dinner one night recently and my son went into full volume mode. I'd picked somewhere loud on purpose but football game bar noise was no match for him. We lasted 15 minutes. The whole place hated us by the time we left. I can't be that person in the bar with the screaming child and I don't want people to hate me.

What's that you say? Perhaps I shouldn't take my child to bars then?

I am not afraid to say that I'd like to be able to take my kid to a bar from time to time. I'm not talking about taking him to disgusting places or ordering baby a beer - stop frowning and judging while you read. We go to parks and other wholesome places too. My parents took me to the occasional bar and I turned out fine. Let's try to be a little bit progressive.

For what its worth, it's not just about the bar. As I said above, we go out in public sometimes. I need to run errands (the same errands that parents who don't take their kids to bars also do) and I don't want to pay the nanny every time I need (mostly non-alcoholic) groceries. I don't think it's wrong to want to go out to dinner from time to time and bring him along. There has to be a way to stop the screaming and that solution is not ignoring the problem.

2. Teach sign language

The parenting blogs are all about teaching sign language. They go on and on about how kids yell because they are trying to communicate and they do not yet have the verbal capabilities to tell us what they want. Teaching sign language gives them the tools they need to express how they are feeling.

My 10 month old doesn't give a fuck about sign language. You know what he wants to do? Yell at me until I give him more Cheerios (or other food) and then spit them across the room.  Preferably into my coffee cup (seriously his aim is amazing). 

Not to be beaten by someone who is 300 days old, we are trying the sign language bit, but I have my doubts. (A) He doesn't want to learn it; (B) he laughs at us when we do it and (C) it just makes him yell more because we are gesticulating instead of giving him what he wants. I suppose if it does work it can benefit someone eventually - because we will be deaf from the screaming by then.

3. Ride it out?

What other choice do we have? Luckily he's still very cute, and he (I'm pretty sure not by accident) gave me a hug the other day. Along those lines, I'm also pretty sure that the biting is really his attempt at giving kisses. Thankfully, he only has 2 teeth.

Really, how long can this possibly go on for? 

Well, this must be adorable...

Apparently, I started a blog while on maternity leave. I have no recollection of this, but when I visited my blogspot page, there it was: "From the Mouth of Hayes." It had one entry, titled, "3 Weeks, One Day."

"Well, this must be adorable," I thought to myself as I clicked on it.

I have a vague recollection of thinking about all of the things I'd do during my "time off" aka my maternity leave. Clean out the basement. Clean out all of the closets. Reorganize the kitchen. Read, a lot. Join Golden Gate Mothers Group. Chair a committee. Take tons of photos and keep them captioned and organized. Get in KILLER shape (hello breastfeeding calorie burn!) Make tons of other mommy friends. Create amazing babyfood recipes (and maybe blog about them~!) Reconnect with old friends and family. Reflect a lot - definitely write it all down.

My blog post was blank. No pictures. No words. Blank.

I did a few of the above things during my maternity leave. I cleaned out some closets. I read (in the middle of the night, while not sleeping, in between feedings). The basement is status quo. The kitchen is status quo. I joined GGMG and chaired a committee. For about 5 minutes before I had a breakdown and resigned as committee chair. I took a ton of photos and thankfully signed up for a share site so they are preserved and people can actually see them. Killer shape? No. Other mommy friends? No. Babyfood recipes? No. Old family and friends? Maybe a little. Reflect? Like I said, the blog post was blank.

I'm sure there is plenty of blogging that I can do about my "time off" but more about that later. For now, let's fast forward to today. Hayes is 10 months and 11 days old. He's 23 pounds (85th percentile). He's tall. He crawls really fast. He's into everything - if he can reach it and it opens, he's in it. He chases the dogs and sometimes they let him. This usually ends when he grabs a tail or a paw. One of the dogs is nicer than the other one. I encourage him to chase that one because if she gets mad, it won't hurt him as much and hopefully the lesson will get learned without stitches or a scar being part of it.

This blog is going to chronicle my spectrum of survival vs. success at being a mom.

The basics? The baby is alive and healthy. He communicates (loudly). He eats food. He is mobile. 10 fingers, 10 toes. Makes eye contact. Smiles. Bites occasionally. Hugs occasionally. Has several teeth. Plays with toys. The effects of bathing don't really stay with him. He's a complete ham. And I'm completely and totally smitten.